Have you ever found yourself so immersed in an activity that you realized it had been at least five minutes since you’d last checked Instagram or thought about your ex? Do not ignore that impulse! Whether it was solving your friends’ romantic problems, harassing journalists on Twitter, or making it through a CrossFit warmup, you’d better give that two-week notice, because girl, you’ve discovered your life’s true calling! Immerse yourself in that thing you enjoyed for five minutes and ditch your dead-end day job for a career that you will definitely enjoy for at least a week:
Activity: Posting Political Rants on Facebook
Job: Politician
Remember that time you totally schooled your Republican coworker on Facebook with stirring arguments like “ur a redneck” and “u know im right”? Your dedication to quickly proving others wrong makes you the perfect candidate for a career in politics! Take your trolling skills all the way to Capitol Hill and make an impact on your country (including all your dumb coworkers!). This recent infatuation really could replace the career you worked so hard to build!
Activity: Taking Care of Your Drunk Friends
Job: Social Worker
Your friends know they can count on you to be the designated driver, moderate their drunken screaming fights with their exes, and tenderly work out their issues while feeding them McDonalds at 3 AM. You love being “squad mama”, so it only makes sense that you would love being a social worker. Sure, it would mean a considerable pay decrease, but these are your dreams we’re talking about!
Activity: Hitting Snooze
Job: Sleep Research Subject
Time flies when you’re fast asleep, and you always want “five more minutes!” of it. You’ve already spent like half of your life in slumber, and you should be getting paid commensurate with experience. The good news is that scientists still don’t really understand what sleep, like, is, so seize the chance to be a paid human guinea pig before they figure it out. Turning sleeping into a full-time career is your destiny. Start chasing your dreams in your actual dreams today!
Activity: Reading Lists, Such as This One
Job: Journalist
Great job! You made it through this article without glancing at your phone! If you can spend a lot of time (i.e. more than five minutes) reading listicles, consider a career as a news writer. Journalists are diligent, focused people who peruse the internet for stories to aggregate, and since news moves fast, you won’t be spending more than five minutes of your precious time on any one subject. Perfect! You should quit your job.
There you have it! You’re finally on the path to achieving your true destiny. Be sure to tell all your friends that you’re following your dreams while they slave away in corporate America’s boring office blocks. The more friends you tell, the more pressure you’ll have to succeed when you inevitably lose interest in your new career after seven minutes. Whoops!
